Lewis Schaffer to charge £10 on Sundays.

12 Noon Wednesday 6 February 2013 Nunhead Heights

I will be doing a season of shows at Martin Witts’ Leicester Square Theatre on Sundays starting 3rd March 2013 ending 21 April 2013. All shows will start at 6PM except 7th April which starts at 5PM and are scheduled to last for 90 minutes. The lovely theatre will be charging £10.

See him at the Leicester Square Theatre

I anticipate continuing with my free shows at the Source Below every Tuesday and Wednesday.

FLASH: Surely you must have seen Jonathan Schwab’s short film about comedy, man, and me? Click here as soon as you finish reading this. Limited time. www.vimeo.com/56954666

You are thinking: How can Lewis Schaffer charge you ten quid on Sunday when you can see him for free on a Tuesday (or a Wednesday)?

In the coming days I will answer that question in this blog. Or perhaps you can provide an answer yourself in the comment box below? Best answer wins free admission to one of my Free until Famous shows.

Lewis Schaffer’s American Guide to England

The New York comic teaches the English about England*.
Lewis Schaffer isn’t a tourist. He isn’t here on business. He’s a hostage.
*England, includes Scotland, Wales and possibly Ireland.

‘His total indifference to all things British is brilliant.’ (The Scotsman)
‘An hour of nationalistic all-American rhetoric… hilarious.’ (Chortle)
‘He can insult you and love you in the same sentence.’ (Time Out, New York)
‘Controversial…unpredictable…recommended.'(Time Out, London)
‘The new King of Soho’. (londonisfunny.com)

Leicester Square Theatre
6 Leicester Place
London WC2H 7BX
Booking: 08448 733433
Buy here: www.leicestersquaretheatre.com

Other Stuff…

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed 

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio 

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow 

My film – Written, Directed, Filmed, and Edited by Jonathan Schwab, without any editorial input or control by Lewis Schaffer.

2 February 2013 Saturday Nunhead Heights

Two days ago I was in a panic over Jonathan Schwab’s film. I didn’t want anyone to see it.

The film makes me look fat, sweaty, failed, still failing, and small time. In other words, it is realistic.

See the film here until 7th February when it will be withdrawn for film festival entry. Lewis Schaffer / Free until Famous by Jonathan Schwab.

At one point, the filmmaker, a German, filmed me bending over to pick up coins that had fallen on the floor of my Soho venue. Coins that were given to me at the end of my ‘free’ show. I predict that someday the scene will be used in anti-Semitic propaganda films. If I didn’t know the filmmaker Jonathan Schwab, I would have thought he was being evil.

I am filmed saying my life is ‘tragic’. My life isn’t any more tragic than any one who has squandered a million opportunities and accomplished little. But there I was, saying ‘I’m tragic’.

Most people who have seen the film think it’s amazing. The FILM is amazing.

Amazing in the same way a David Attenborough footage of a whale chasing a seal is amazing. I wouldn’t want to be seen as either the harassing whale or the harassed seal. The whale is never invited to pick up the Bafta (Emmy, in the USA) with Attenborough. The seal, sadly, is dead, and couldn’t attend even if he wanted to.

But this isn’t the film I would have made.

One good friend, though, comic John Monty Smith of Newcastle, felt that viewers who didn’t know me would think I was desperate and pity me.

Lewis, he told me, ‘your story about moving to the UK and fucking up but now you’re on your way back, about Stewart Lee saying he was a little bit envious of you. Tell a couple of jokes and show how you’ve done 300 gigs in the same venue and you’re getting good reviews and are consistent. Maybe talk about your living conditions, etc.’

The narrative John proposed would be good if a filmmaker came up with it himself. One filmmaker, who I won’t name, did.

He had filmed one of the most successful comedians in the world, around the world, and set out to make such a film about my comeback. Up from death to finish the race. He filmed me a few times, seeing me die horribly under the pressure, and never called me again.

He probably ran because the story line isn’t true, no matter how many times I’ve postulated it. I wanted everyone to believe I was ‘coming back’ and I wanted to believe it, too.

I wasn’t a somebody when I was in New York to come back to. I haven’t changed all that much as comic, in the past 20 years. I am not any more consistent.

The only difference is that the comedy industry or the comedy community – which isn’t industrious or a community – have gotten used to my inconsistency and now seem to enjoy it. Their appreciation has given me the confidence to be even more inconsistent.

If I did have total control over a film about me it would be a bland as those BBC FOUR documentaries which are produced by the artist’s own company – the Bon Jovi film comes to mind – ‘When We Were Beautiful’.

Self-authored films can only be mildly interesting because they never get down and dirty.

‘Why, Mr Bongiovi’, I wanted the film to ask, ‘do you insist on pretending that Bon Jovi is a band of brothers when you own the entire lot and the others just work for you?’

There are alot of those kind of moments in my film. I mean, Jonathan Schwab’s film. 

Now I am in a panic that not everyone who matters is going to see me in MY film.

Lewis Schaffer / Free until Famous by Jonathan Schwab.

*Stewart Lee, for my American readers, is one of the two or three most respected comics in the Britain, and a leader of the new comedy generation, if there can be a leader of that. He name checked me in his latest DVD and did not trash me, which was really nice. Then again, I wasn’t asked to be on his TV show for ‘alternative’ comedians.]

New Shows at the Leicester Square Theatre
Lewis Schaffer’s American Guide to England
Every Sunday from March 3rd. 6PM. £10 ($16)
www.leicestersquaretheatre.com

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed 

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio 

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow 

I’m turned noir: The film I didn’t want you to see.

3PM Wednesday 30th January 2013 Nunhead Heights.

Comedy guru John Fleming reported the other day that I blocked Jonathan Schwab’s film about me.

I did not.

I only preferred that the film wasn’t seen. [John’s Blog ‘The Film of comedian Lewis Schaffer you cannot currently see online.’]

The German filmmaker himself restricted access to the film because he felt it was still a work in progress and to clear entry into American and European film festivals.

The film reminded me of FW Murnau, Fritz Lang, Werner Hertzog and even Orson Welles. If you’re into comedy and tragedy you’ll probably enjoy watching it. It’s brilliant.

I only wish it isn’t about me. You’ll see why when you view it. Or maybe I am wrong.

Because of the John’s blog I’ve asked Jonathan to allow the film to be seen. Or maybe because I am a poor judge of these things? Anyway, Jonathan Schwab has generously allowed access – but only for one week.

‘Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous’ by Jonathan Schwab.

On 7th of February access will be denied.

Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous at the Source Below
The Longest Running Solo Comedy Show in London
11 Lower John Street, W1F 9TY
8 PM – Every Tuesday and Wednesdays.
www.sourcebelow.com

Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer – Since 2009
Mondays 10:30 PM on Resonance Radio 104.4 in London and www.resonancefm.com/listen.

The latest Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer re-broadcast is on iTunes bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio
Real radio.

twitter @lewisschaffer

Have your taxes prepared by BritishAmericanTax.com – available for British taxpayers as well as the American Taxpaying Community.

“Where there is disarray, Lewis Schaffer creates chaos.” (Chortle) “An hour with Lewis Schaffer is an hilarious, cathartic, exhilaratingly appalling experience.” (The Scotsman)

Peregrine Falcon spotted on Nunhead Heights. News of Nunhead for 10 Dec 2012.

Listen TONIGHT at 10:30 GMT or 5:30PM UK time to Nunhead American Radio. www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. 

9 PM Monday 10th December 2012 Nunhead Heights.

Nunhead, Southeast London, is also what Germans call the white bit of the finger nail – Das Nun’s Head. Did you know this? No? I made this up. Nonne Kopf!

The News of Nunhead

Friend Doug Brooks of Friends of One Tree Hill spotted a Peregrine Falcon atop Nunhead’s highest point over the weekend.

The Peregrine Falcon’s name means ‘wandering falcon’ and is the Official Bird of Nunhead American Radio. I just decided this today.

The southern link of  London Overground trains opened on 9th December linking east London with southwest London.

1.3 miles of track were re-laid to connect Surrey Quays (pronounced ‘keys’) with Nunhead and points west. This allowed the 150 year-old South London Line rail trains to be removed from service. Now it’ll take 15 minutes to get to Clapham but 40 minutes to get to Victoria from Peckham Rye Station.

We will ask our guest, Councillor and friend Renata Hamvas, what can be done about this!

According to the Southwark News, East Dulwich artist Heather Burrell is to recreate from old shoes the stolen Barbara Hepworth statue. The Dulwich Park art was believed taken for its scrap metal value. Why old shoes? Who’d steal old shoes.

Peckham Open 2012 & Charity Art Auction Event, which Nunhead Arts is involved in is happening at Peckham Space. The exhibition is running from 30 November – 20 December. Check out Nunhead Arts website. I don’t know what this is but it is something!

The Nunhead Community Choir, led by friend Richard Swan, is having a festive pub carol crawl on Sunday 16 December. Meet at the Rye Hotel at 2pm at the bottom of Peckham Rye. I have often crawled pubs Carolling. Also Debbying, and Sarahing, and Elizabething…

They’ll be at the following pubs at the approximate times singing:

2pm – The Rye Hotel, Peckham Rye,
3pm – The Old White Horse, Nigel Road, Peckham
4pm – The Old Nun’s Head, Nunhead Green
5pm – The Waverley Arms, Ivydale Road – ‘followed by the usual carousing and raucous behaviour leading to embarrassing videos on Facebook in the morning.’

THIS JUST IN: Save the Ivy House has just received an offer of funding from the Architectural Heritage Fund. The plan is to buy the Ivy House and run it as a cooperative pub and community hub. Keep informed on twitter and @Save_Ivy_House and at the Save the Ivy House website.

Tonight’s guests are the brilliant Brian Damage and Krysstal, famous musicians I’ve known for years. Nunheader Ed Hammond was scheduled but he’s coming in next week. Instead we have Renata Hamvas, Nunhead Heights Southwark Council councilor talking about the trains! And maybe the cemeteries and parking and bicycles…

With the Dulwich Ukulele Club, our house band, and a new song for Christmas! Lisa Moyle is our lovely co-host, and Chris Dixon, our Man. Possibly Claudio on the desk. Who knows?

LISTEN!

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed 

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio 

Go to our facebook page! Nunhead American Radio.

Shows restart 8 January 2012: See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow 

Never give away the microphone: The best comedy show I’ve ever been to.

2 PM Thursday 27 September 2012 Nunhead Heights

I shouldn’t have given the girl the microphone. Never give away the microphone. That’s a basic comedy rule.

But then I shouldn’t have drunk her vodka when she went to the loo again – to do who knows what. Drugs? She had offered the audience if they wanted some vodka – she had brought a bottle in and pour it into a tumbler.

By that point it the “audience” wasn’t an audience anymore. And I wasn’t the comedian.

I had drank maybe three or four shots worth – half a tumbler – a lot. But it was funny to drink it. And when she came back, the audience – the participants – were all quiet, waiting to see what was going to happen. I was drunk and didn’t know what to do. I asked the bartender to get her some more vodka. Two shots. That didn’t help.

I never drink or rarely. I used to be able to say I never drank and was proud of that but now I do drink. I bought a Dell Insperion computer this week – a PC – after 28 straight years of Apple II and Macs. I felt the same as when I decided to drink like an English person: I have let myself down but it feels right.

And I shouldn’t have let her into the show in the first place. She seemed controlled by her soberish French Algerian boyfriend – or the dude I thought was her boyfriend. He seemed reasonable and she was really pretty – tall, slender Moroccan English.

I love tipsy chicks. At least I can understand why they’re being nice to me. How can I trust someone who is sober and wants to be with me?

Something similar happened the other evening when I was called to Mayfair – begged to Mayfair – by an exceedingly inebriated young woman, far too young for me. Men my age aren’t allowed the happiness. We aren’t allowed to run away to France with them. If we do our lives will be ruined. Their lives will go on and on and on. This will be a fun story for her while we’ll be in prison and tarred for life.

The Moroccan girl was 24, she told us. And out of prison.

Let me finish with the Mayfair girl. I go to the posh pub near Berkeley Square. Berkeley Square. Definitely not Nunhead. Flashback to The Patty Duke Show tv theme song. “Meet Cathy, who’s lived most everywhere, From Zanzibar to Barclay Square.” (American spelling on lyrics site). Posh. And Patty Duke was, or is, another insane one. Bi-polar like my mom. I read her book. Before I wrote a blog I trashed her on Amazon and got hate mail from her fans. Scary but fun.

Luckily, the Mayfair girl had very protective friends and even though they looked at me like I was a complete creep I was relieved when they took her home. I don’t like looking after anyone. That’s because of my mother. I had to look after my mother and that isn’t right. She was bi-polar, too, just like that Patty Duke.

It got hairy with the girl at the show when she was about to lunge for the English guy at the back who had told her to shut up. It was about that time that I noticed the suicide scars on her arms, and her whispering to me why she was in prison – something to do with having another girl’s back. I assumed that meant getting into fight to support a friend. She was tough.

Her sober friend eventually got her to leave. I walked her to the stairs and everyone was silent while they were upstairs, I assume he was trying to get her to leave the building.

And if this was anyone else’s show I don’t think it would have happened. If it did I wouldn’t be invited back. But the people there enjoyed it and not at the expense of the poor girl, if that is what you are thinking. I know cause the bucket was big and I got many email addresses.

Free until Famous in Soho isn’t someone else’s show. It is my “show” if you call it a show. And I can pretty much do what I want at my show. And the audience can do pretty much what it wants to do. And the girl can come back, too. But I’m going to ask her to buy a few drinks at the bar.

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on http://www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

Foreigners love Obama. That’s why I’m for Romney.

8 AM Wednesday 19th September 2012 Nunhead Heights

A straw poll of people in more than 30 countries showed that dirty foreigners support President Barack Obama 81 percent to 19 percent for Governnor Mitt Romney. I wrote “dirty foreigners” for effect. All foreigners are dirty, that’s their nature.

Never trust a President who is loved overseas.

Who can forget Bill Clinton getting a standing ovation at the United Nations in the ‘90s? You’ve probably have forgotten or are too young to remember. That was during the time of his sex scandal and not considered having done much as President.

The United Nations is a place where the world’s nations meet. 100% of the other nations aren’t as good as America – some are near good but a lot are absolute rubbish. And standing up that day to applaud Bill Clinton in the General Assembly were probably Fidel Castro, Mohammar Gaddafi and Tony Blair.

I was hitch-hiking around Europe in 1975 – yes, 1975 – and was asked by the French, Dutch, Swiss, Danes – you name it “What did President Nixon do that was so wrong? He was very good for foreign policy!” Nixon was hounded out of office before he was impeached.

Richard Nixon subverted the American democratic system, the most perfectly created political system in the history of the world and I am not kidding.

The dirty foreigners could see little wrong with Richard Nixon. Subverting democracy? This was 1975 – one generation away from Hitler. What’s democracy anyway?

Not that Americans know what’s going on in Europe or elsewhere.

In the States, I got the distinct impression that the French loved their President at the time, Valery Giscard d’Estaing. I recall he was on the cover of Time Magazine and all that. I get to France and not one frog had a nice thing to say about Val.

Americans called the French “frogs” before we called them Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys. That was then. The French are growing on me because they are coming to terms to having lost the world to America and soon to the Chinese. That’s made them a little nicer to us. And I get alot of French people coming to my shows. God bless them.

[See below for information about Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous in Soho.]

The foreigners always sound like they know what they’re talking about because they have cute accents – to American ears.

They actually know less than Americans because we Americans are more likely to admit we don’t know much about the world. We simply divide the world into two camps: The Irrelevant and The Dangerous.

A man who believes he’s a genius is an idiot. A woman who thinks she’s beautiful is a dog. A comic who judges himself funny isn’t. Europeans think they are smart, beautiful and funny.

That passport business – repeating endless that only 18% of Americans have passports – if I hear that mentioned again as a sign that Americans don’t know about the world because we don’t travel – I am going to rip up my passport.

So friggin what if Americans don’t want to leave America? That should be commended. America has everything and it’s residents want to stay there. It’s like you’re bad-mouthing a dude cause he loves his wife and doesn’t cheat on her. I moved to England and what did it get me? Okay, two nice kids but what else?

What can you learn about any country by visiting just it? Did I know about England before I moved here and I had been here four times. You don’t learn in a two-week vacation that for all their best intentions, foreigners don’t know what is in America’s best interests and they barely know what is their own best interests and finally, that they don’t care about what is in America’s best interests. That’s a sentence full!

That is why four out of five foreigners want Obama as President of the United States. And that’s reason enough to support Mitt Romney.

Why don’t you leave a comment? You read this far, leave your mark.

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on http://www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

Say YOUR name! Or why I say ‘Lewis Schaffer’ every time I meet you.

5 PM Tuesday 28 August 2012 Nunhead Heights

The Edinburgh Festival 2012 is over.

The stress of having to place the faces and remember the names of thousands of people I rarely see – fans, comics, industry people – is over. And I mean thousands of people because I am Lewis Schaffer! again.

Meeting people you know is a test, whether in America or Britain. We’re expected to tell you YOUR name. And you’re expected to remember OUR names, and use them.

You probably know your name. I may not remember your name. Or I may not know where I know you from. And YOU may not remember my name or where you know me from.

I’m at intersection of memory loss, brain freeze, acquaintance overload and not caring. Everyone is. We know too many people.

Should I feel like a heel because I forgot who you are or can’t remember your name? We may have gigged together five years ago or you’re just one of my 4718 facebook friends or maybe you’re my oldest son.

Would it kill you to announce. “Fiona and Tristan. We went to your gig in Solihull.”? So I can place you?

I ruined a show at the festival with nervousness because I couldn’t remember the names of they lovely couple in the front row. They ran a gig in southeast London. Yes, I know, southeast Londoner are allowed to leave.

Another time I was chatting with a comic in the lobby of The Hive, one of my two Edinburgh venues. I run into him once every three or so years. We gigged together about twelve years ago when I still had a future in Britain. That evening left a mark on him.

Kate Copstick of The Scotsman, the Queen of Festival reviewers, came through. She’s my friend. Well, I think of her as my friend mostly because she’s given me Fours Stars. A friend is someone who likes me. That is how needy I am.

I wanted to introduce the comic to Copstick because I’m nice. I couldn’t because I had a brain freeze and lost his name. He might think I was being a jerk but he lost the chance to get noticed by Copstick.

That kind of mind blank happened dozens of times a day in Edinburgh and to everyone, everywhere, all the time.

That is why I say Lewis Schaffer! to people who most likely know my name. It is out of courtesy. You may have forgotten it.

It may seem pretentious, or mental, but I’ve decided to seem like an idiot so you don’t have to.

Let’s all start announcing our names when we meet people we know.

Say YOUR name!

@lewisschaffer on twitter

“Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous” Live in Soho
Every Tuesday & Wednesday 8pm Free Admission
Reserve at www.sourcebelow.com

Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer
Every Monday 10:30pm
http://www.resonancefm.com 104.4fm London
On iTunes http://www.bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

Famous tv comedienne “unfriends” me over my Jimmy Carr posts.

3 AM – Saturday – 23 June 2012 – Nunhead Heights.

A famous British tv comedienne “unfriended” me on facebook this week.

The famous person and I were never “friend-friends”. We met when she was coming up in the clubs. I was just slightly above the bottom – compering/hosting at the Comedy Tree in Putney – that was before Erich and Pete fired me. I’m not a Dover sole or a catfish but I know the bottom well. She’s now a shark.

She must have heard that I wrote something bad about her mate Jimmy Carr in this blog. Everyone in the industry has been taking his side over his tax avoidance scheme participation and maybe it seemed as if I wasn’t supporting him. I don’t think I wasn’t being supportive but who knows with me? There is evil inside that seeps out.

Jimmy and her are probably best buddies. When you’re at that level you’re all best buddies. You have to be nice to each other and look out for each other – that’s how you get to the top and that’s how you stay up there: Talented people being nice to each other.

I was on facebook tonight chatting with a friend-friend. She, too, had posted something on fb and twitter about Jimmy Carr. Hardly vicious but not 100% on his side, either. She checked her friends list. She, too, had been unfriended by this famous comedienne.

I could feel my friend-friend shaking.

“I’ve killed my comedy career dead in its tracks. You can behave like a moody rant-twat if you’re a young Sarah Silverman or Russell Kane-Howard-Brand-wannabe but not an older comic who most agents wouldn’t touch as they can smell death and failure a mile off.”

I wasn’t as upset. I don’t have a career to stop dead in its tracks. Still, what a horrible business is show business if you have to be super-sweet to everyone all the time.

In a panic, my friend-friend messages another facebook friend to check if this other person is still a facebook friend of the star comedienne. This friend of my friend-friend discovered that she too had been “unfriended.”

My friend-friend then remembers that you can tell if an account has been deleted because “deleted profiles leave a blue silhouette where the photo used to be and that’s what the two accounts of Sarah Millican have.”

Sarah Millican had deleted her account. We weren’t singled out, after all. Everyone was dumped. Relief.

“But what of the other 26 facebook friends who unfriended me this week?” I worry. “What about Toby Foster and Patrick Monahan and Tiffany Stevenson? Why aren’t they my friends anymore?”

“Jesus, Lewis! It’s so unhealthy talking to you.” My friend-friend stops me. “Five minutes into this conversation you got me believing everyone hates me! Loloolo!”

Luckily friend-friends can’t unfriend you as quickly as facebook friends.

[ I’m told who unfriends me by my Social Fixer application for facebook. It gives me the names of people who leave me – information  I usually wish I didn’t have. Social Fixer is freeware but I sent the developer $5 or about £3.50. I work off contributions at my show –  Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous – so I decided it would be good karma. Of course, you don’t get good karma when you try to get good karma. Weirdly, if I hadn’t sent the money I would have gotten bad karma. Odd, that]

Read what I wrote about Jimmy Carr:

Why Jimmy Carr is rich and I sleep in my living room.

Why Jimmy Carr planned this and why I am the best comic in Britain.

www.twitter.com/lewisschaffer [Twitter]

LEWIS SCHAFFER is FREE UNTIL FAMOUS
Every Tuesday and Wednesday in Soho
www.sourcebelow.com

NUNHEAD AMERICAN RADIO with LEWIS SCHAFFER
Mondays 10:30 PM on Resonance Radio 104.4 in London
www.resonancefm.com – iTunes at www.bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

“Rapid-fire delivery… everything is fair game” (The Guardian)
“His total indifference to all things British is brilliant.” (The Scotsman)
“A unique style – he can insult you and love you in the same sentence” (Time Out, New York)
“Controversial. Warning: Unpredictable. Recommended.” (Time Out, London)

A Malcolm Hardee Award Winner 2009

13:19 23 June 2012 Wording changed to make it more readable.

Why can’t we be told what diseases are going around? News of Nunhead for Nunhead American Radio – 18 June 2012.

9 PM “Nunhead American Radio Night” (Monday) 18 June 2012 – Nunhead Heights

Did you know that you should brush your teeth BEFORE you eat? Something to do with the plaque generating acids as soon a food enters the mouth.

That is a bit of news that the Special Medical Advisor for Nunhead and East Dulwich suggested might be good for my dental health. [Well, she is my medical advisor.]

Dr. Nedd, lets call her,  has a chest cold and she was pleased to hear that I have had one for three weeks. It was NOT Schadenfreude – it meant she wasn’t alone. I hope it wasn’t Schadenfreude.

Chest colds have hit Nunhead. My union-leader flatmate, Fidel (real name) and the full-on Luke (real name), the intense cyclist slash tennis player slash father of Elliot – both have it. I know because I tell everyone I’m sick. I take “How are you?” literally. And then they tell me.

But most people live alone in sickness. And the doctor’s surgeries don’t seem to have much information. It is all new to them – like you’re the first person in the area throwing up. Meanwhile the waiting room is covered in sick.

One would think – and this is what I ran by the Special Medical Advisor – that every surgery would have a link to a NHS central disease control office. The number and type of illnesses seen that day at every surgery would be reported to the NHS. The data would be collated and transmitted back to the surgeries, to the press and thru the web.

Newspapers and websites could print a daily Medical Map and Forecast of flu hotspots and common colds.

We, the average person, could learn that…

“Viral Common Cold NH2-P7 moving from Bromley to Lewisham and entering Southwark. High numbers seen in Nunhead. Average lifespan of symptoms 14.5 days. Coughing. Minor rise in temperature. Highly contagious. Risk of flu, 4 (four) on the Schaffer Scale. Common Cold 7 (Seven). Touch of TB in Peckham.”

Every doctor’s surgery would know what was going around and they wouldn’t waste our time (and risk the immuno-efficiency of the country) by handing out useless antibiotics. You wouldn’t even need to go to the doctor’s because you knew that you had what everybody else had.

And they could do this because of the NHS and every surgery has a contract with the NHS and the English invented the internet. She thought this was brilliant idea!

What do you think?

Here is the News of Nunhead for Today:

Lewis Schaffer has caused a bit of stir by accusing the council of either planning to cut down the forests of Nunhead (in our cemeteries) and lying about considering paving over the playing fields at the Honor Oak Rec. Or vice versa.

His post on the subject is the second most read post in the history of lewisschaffer.wordpress.com. The most was the one on my dead friend who left a legacy of a photo a day for 17 years.

I am about to propose breaking off the leafy bits of Southwark to form a new council – better serving our needs. Nunhead, East Dulwich, Dulwich, and Bellenden in Peckham.

We should join the leafy bits of Lewisham (Honor Oak Park, Forest Hill), Bromley (Crystal Palace), Lambeth (Norwoord, Tulse Hill) and Croydon (Gipsy Hill) to form a new council. I thought of this myself but have since learned I am not the first. Any ideas for a name? Five Points? Leafy Bits? Nunhead?

An 83-year-old man is missing from Nunhead since the 7th of June. There is a law regarding the missing. The younger the missing person the more people don’t care.

But people seem to care about Pat Connelly. He’s “white, about 5’6″, has white hair, though mostly bald. He has a strong Irish accent. He has slightly protruding ears. Narrow, slightly pointed nose. Very defined cheek bones. Slender build.”

He is known to visit Nunhead Cemetery often, which is, after all, convenient. [Sorry]. If you see him, call the police, obviously.

Tracey Francis of Nunhead Film Festival – nunheadarts.blog.com – has informed me of a special film event at Cinema Bambuni. She is Howard Francis’s partner and she is black.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, 19th June at 8 PM at Cinema Bambuni you’ll get dinner, a glass of wine and the film “Submarine” for only £12. “Submarine” is the story of a 15-year-old boy trying to lose his virginity. At my age I would pay to regain my virginity.

IMDB raters gave it a 7.3 average out of 10 which is very good. Kids under 18 like it best and men over 45 liked it least. But the old guys still loved it. Go to Bambuni at 143 Evelina Road SE15 3HB.

The Dish and the Spoon deli on Cheltenham Road seems to be going strong. It looks so fresh and clean. I never leave the house before 3 in the afternoon so I miss it. It closes at 5. Keep meaning to!

Many thanks to Richard Thomas, Ed Baxter, Lisa Moyle, Christ Dixon, and our guest for tonight’s show (if they turn up!): Rolo McGinty of the Woodentops, Chuquai Billy, comic, and Jeff Kuntz, Nunhead American.

Come to my own show tomorrow even though England is playing the Ukraine in an important football match. Barring that, come Wednesday. “Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous.” Free admission but I’d give if I stayed. Payment for laughing is too high an expectation.

@lewisschaffer on twitter

“Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous” Live in Soho
Every Tuesday & Wednesday 8pm Free Admission
Reserve at http://www.sourcebelow.com

Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer
Every Monday 10:30pm
http://www.resonancefm.com 104.4fm London
On iTunes http://www.bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

The Queen, My Mother and I. Oh, and Holden Caulfield. Some final words on the Jubilee.

5pm Wednesday 5th May 2012 Nunhead Heights

[See below for list of previous posts regarding the British Monarchy]

There are nice things about England, and Britain too. Cups of tea, the football, the Green Belt and planning permission which has, so far, prevented the countryside from being completely over-run. Even the disobedient nature of the people I find very pleasant.

Maybe best part about Britain is that a visitor to this country, such as me, can openly write that they don’t like the Queen and not be put in jail or taken to Heathrow and put on a plane back to New York. That’s actually quite good. [How did I start talking like that? “Actually quite good!” ]

But the royal family and the monarchy are not one of the good things about this country. It is the phoniest institution – completely self-serving and standing for everything that I, an American, am against: Inherited power, deference, and unearned wealth. And no matter how nice the Queen appears to be – and everyone is nice at 85 – she is in it for herself.

Where was she at 25 when her son needed a hug and hold? Off traveling around the world. I’ve seen the video of her holding her young son and it isn’t pretty.

At the Jubilee Concert, Prince Charles calls the Queen “Mummy” in front of the multitudes at his childhood home, Buckingham Palace. Not that Charles had much of a childhood.

Like the child of an absentee footballer he doesn’t often see announcing ownership of his famous father in front of his schoolmates. “Look everyone! The woman you are honoring is my mother! I get to call her Mummy!” I felt sad for the dude.

My mother was a phony, too. She would profess deep love for me but be off doing her own thing in her own world. She loved her world of deep depressions and raving manias.

If the Queen loves her son she would abdicate. Give the keys to the Palace to Charles and move on. But no, she loves being The Queen too much. You can understand why Charles is a bit loopy. He’s gone insane waiting for his mother to love him. That’s what happened to me.

Another Point

This is my last post about the Diamond Jubilee. I am relieved it’s over just like I’m relieved when Christmas passes.

I wish I were Bill Bryson. He always finds a nice thing to say about his adopted land. And he tweaks the British gently. Bill Bryson is a lovely man from what I can read. Me? I steeped in bitterness and anger. Do you think I like always looking for a fight?

Michael Hunter – not that Michael Hunter  but the Michael Hunter who has the blog “Spiked Mike is Breaking a Leg” –  has seen my show quite a few times. He was there in South Shields over the weekend and reviewed my touring free show: “Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous.” He observed that  “[ Lewis Schaffer  ] would rip into an empty brown paper bag if he could get a reaction from the empty paper bag manufacturers.”

True.

But only up to a point. I would rip into the bag if I thought the brown paper bag manufacturers were a load of utter phonies. If the bags weren’t really brown or weren’t really bags. I am like Holden Caulfield in “The Catcher in the Rye.” I hate phonies. Only I’m not a teenager: I’m old.

Another minor point:

At the Jubilee Concert Prince Charles announced how proud he is to be “British”. Innocuous enough considering he spends his summers in Scotland and he’s prince over Wales. But didn’t he forget that if he lives he’s going to be King of Canada, Australia and other minor nations? I’m sure those countries aren’t going to be pleased to hear their king isn’t one of them.  He must be so nervous that he’s going to be passed over in favour of his daughter-in- law’s husband that he’s playing to the home town crowd. Am I the only one to notice this?

Won’t you please leave a comment? Tell me if the above is rubbish, brilliant, whatever.

Five posts that talk about the royal family and class in England and the UK.

Thank God King George lost America. What would have happened if America was given fair representation in the British Parliament.

The real reason the English keep their monarchy. Well, one real reason. Something I don’t think has been expressed too often.

How the Queen is used by the political class and what will happen when the royals turn on that class.

Why English men dress so badly, and how it goes back to the royals.

And finally, what the classes are in the UK and how they are different than in America.

How to see me and reach me:

@lewisschaffer

At the Edinburgh Fringe: “No, YOU Shut Up!” at the Free [Three] Sisters, Cowgate. Free Admission. 20:15 [8:15PM] “No, YOU Shut Up!” at the Alternative Fringe at the Hive, Niddry Street. Free Admission. 16:45 [4:45PM]

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday at the Source Below. Free admission. Reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow