No man ever used the words “riddled with cellulite”. A defense of Justin Lee Collins.

28 Sep

2 PM Friday 28 September 2012 Nunhead Heights.

According to the Daily Mail, British comic Justin Lee Collins is on trial for “Harrassment (Causing fear of violence)” for calling his girlfriend a “fat dog” and telling her she was “riddled with cellulite”.

If those are the grounds for a felony prosecution and a jail sentence in England and Wales then every man in this country needs to be afraid. And every mother and father of a son, and every child that has a father. Everyone.

I’ve been there.

I once tossed a piece of paper at my wife down the stairs of our house while we were in the midst of divorce. Not that we are friendly now. She’s friendly. I am not friendly.

I don’t remember if the paper hit her.

I remember seeing the penny drop.

She ran to the phone as her lawyer had instructed her. There were a few moments of quiet when I knew exactly what she could do to me and she thought about doing it.

The police would come. They’d politely ask me, the man, to find another place to stay for the night. Or they could have taken me off to jail. And like that I would have been homeless. A restraining order would have been placed on me and I wouldn’t have been allowed within 500 feet of my boys.

Luckily, or intelligently, or reasonably, she put down the phone.

I don’t believe I’ve met Justin Lee Collins in the comedy business, nor do I think I’ve ever seen him on TV. She claims he tried to push her in front of a taxi during a boozy night out with comedian pal Alan Carr. Yet she didn’t go to the police. She kept on going out with him.

But the first time he calls you, his girlfriend, a “fat pig” you are free to walk out that door and not take his diamonds and computers and the free meals and stop hanging out with British “A Listers” such as Alan Carr.

Justin Lee Collins was doing very well before this trial.

He was on TV and starring on the West End. His ex-girlfriend was not famous and probably alone and lonely.

She didn’t have his children to use as a weapon against him. I don’t think she got any of his money and isn’t going to get any.

What else can she do to Justin Lee Collins to punish him for leaving her? To punish him for not loving her. To punish him for not letting her hang out with Alan Carr? To punish him for stopping her from leaving him? Who knows what goes on in the minds of women?

The purpose of a society is to prevent the vindictive from having revenge. It shouldn’t aid a woman scorned by putting a man on trial and possibly sent to jail.

We’ll see how friendly my ex will be if I become rich and famous. Luckily, the chance of that is very, very low. And no man ever used the words “riddled with cellulite” Fat is fat.]

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9 Responses to “No man ever used the words “riddled with cellulite”. A defense of Justin Lee Collins.”

  1. Abrasive Shrub September 28, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

    He isn’t on trial for calling her a fat dog or saying she’s riddled with cellulite. And you know that, because you highlight one of the more serious accusations later on in your post. We don’t know what happened in this case, but parading the fact that she didn’t leave or go to the police as evidence that the accusations were fabricated shows a flagrant, and I think harmful, ignorance of the dynamics of abusive relationships.

    I think that it’s neither wise nor kind to speculate here, and when all you have to go on is a Daily Mail article and some preconceived notions of how abuse can or cannot manifest itself, there’s little that this can be called but speculation.

    • Lewis Schaffer September 28, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

      Thank you, Heather, for you reply to my post. It appreciated. If he tried to push a woman under a taxi he should be prosecuted for attempted murder and not harassment. If you know something else he did that merits imprisonment, please let me know.

  2. JPickford September 28, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    I think you’re speaking out of ignorance here Lewis. She’s not punishing him for leaving her she very reluctantly went to the police when he harassed her *after* the relationship broke down.

    I’m in the odd situation of having known Anna for several years (and being aware of some of this) but not having actually met her and not knowing you but we have met.

  3. Cloth Dog September 29, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

    I’m totally with you on this one Lewis.
    My partner (of 6 years) told me on our first date that I was “riddled with sexually-transmitted diseases” – we’re still together. In fact, he also told me he was going to spread the rumour around the workplace the next day. And he did. In the middle of a meeting. However, our relationship is based largely on comedy and taking the piss out of each other, so perhaps I might be reading too much into it if I tell her to lighten up, she’s not going to get any cash out of him even if she sells her ridiculous sob-story story to The Sun.
    Yes, he comes across as being quite controlling, but then, so is she for making him face a prison sentence by crying to the papers. High profile media relationships / breakups rarely end well. But prison? Come on. You’ve been dumped. Deal with it bitch.

    • Lewis Schaffer September 30, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

      I would agree that is the kind of think that happens in a relationship and if one doesn’t like one should just get out. and that prison is an outrageous outcome but the woman did deal with it – and dealt with it very well – by killing his career and putting him in jail.

  4. Rachel October 26, 2012 at 6:29 am #

    Jail? He got community service.

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Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

SO IT GOES - John Fleming's blog

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

SO IT GOES - John Fleming's blog

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic

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