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I told the UK Democrats Abroad I voted for George Bush

29 Aug

3 PM Thursday 29 August 2013 Nunhead Heights

BLOOMSBURY FUNDRAISER Starring Stewart Lee and Me

Stewart Lee, the King of Alternative Comedy in Britain, has slotted me on the Resonance FM fundraiser at the Bloomsbury Theatre September 11th. That is really nice of him.

I hope it goes well.  I am not an alternative comic. I am a failed mainstream comic.

My last two fundraiser appearances went badly.

I was asked to entertain the Democrats Abroad at the Soho Theatre in the early Noughties. I hate Democrats. I hate anyone who says they care about the poor, because they probably don’t. And even if they do care about the poor, one has to ask their motives. Unless they are poor, themselves, and then I hate them for being poor. And I don’t respect any American who prefers living here in England. Only Democrats and the insane would flee America. See me in the second category. Wow, that was a lot of hate!

I told the audience I voted for George W Bush – and you can guess the response. Yes, it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t true, either. I hadn’t voted since 1984, let alone for George W Bush.  Why did I tell them that?  I don’t like Republicans, either.

In 2002, did a big gala for JK Rowling’s “One Parent Families” charity at the Les Mis Theatre. 1400 seats. Her organisation promotes ripping children away from their fathers. I didn’t know this at the time or I might not have done it. And I didn’t know that later in the year I would have my children ripped away. Semi-instant karma.

I did well comedically, on the night.  I just told jokes. I can do that kind of thing if I want to. I just don’t want to.

Resonance FM is absolutely the best radio station in the world. It has give me a spot for my incompetent anarchy for over four years. Unprecedented. It HAS to be respected for that.

I can guarantee that your hard-earned money will not be wasted on this charity event.

Please come!

Benefit for Resonance FM at The Bloomsbury Theatre.
Organised by and starring Stewart Lee
and featuring me, Lewis Schaffer
Wednesday 11th September 2013
http://www.thebloomsbury.com/event/run/1839 

LEWIS SCHAFFER: NOW ON DRIVE TIME RADIO

Nunhead American Radio, the radio show of me, Lewis Schaffer, and to a lesser degree, Nunhead, returns Monday 9th of September at a new, better, time: 6:30PM.
DRIVE TIME. How incredible is that?
With the amazing Dulwich Ukulele Club providing the music. Over 120 shows since 2009.

Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer
Resonance FM 104.4FM
http://www.lewisschaffer.co.uk/radio/
Mondays, 6:30PM,
Next live show September 9th, 2013

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Peregrine Falcon spotted on Nunhead Heights. News of Nunhead for 10 Dec 2012.

10 Dec

Listen TONIGHT at 10:30 GMT or 5:30PM UK time to Nunhead American Radio. www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. 

9 PM Monday 10th December 2012 Nunhead Heights.

Nunhead, Southeast London, is also what Germans call the white bit of the finger nail – Das Nun’s Head. Did you know this? No? I made this up. Nonne Kopf!

The News of Nunhead

Friend Doug Brooks of Friends of One Tree Hill spotted a Peregrine Falcon atop Nunhead’s highest point over the weekend.

The Peregrine Falcon’s name means ‘wandering falcon’ and is the Official Bird of Nunhead American Radio. I just decided this today.

The southern link of  London Overground trains opened on 9th December linking east London with southwest London.

1.3 miles of track were re-laid to connect Surrey Quays (pronounced ‘keys’) with Nunhead and points west. This allowed the 150 year-old South London Line rail trains to be removed from service. Now it’ll take 15 minutes to get to Clapham but 40 minutes to get to Victoria from Peckham Rye Station.

We will ask our guest, Councillor and friend Renata Hamvas, what can be done about this!

According to the Southwark News, East Dulwich artist Heather Burrell is to recreate from old shoes the stolen Barbara Hepworth statue. The Dulwich Park art was believed taken for its scrap metal value. Why old shoes? Who’d steal old shoes.

Peckham Open 2012 & Charity Art Auction Event, which Nunhead Arts is involved in is happening at Peckham Space. The exhibition is running from 30 November – 20 December. Check out Nunhead Arts website. I don’t know what this is but it is something!

The Nunhead Community Choir, led by friend Richard Swan, is having a festive pub carol crawl on Sunday 16 December. Meet at the Rye Hotel at 2pm at the bottom of Peckham Rye. I have often crawled pubs Carolling. Also Debbying, and Sarahing, and Elizabething…

They’ll be at the following pubs at the approximate times singing:

2pm – The Rye Hotel, Peckham Rye,
3pm – The Old White Horse, Nigel Road, Peckham
4pm – The Old Nun’s Head, Nunhead Green
5pm – The Waverley Arms, Ivydale Road – ‘followed by the usual carousing and raucous behaviour leading to embarrassing videos on Facebook in the morning.’

THIS JUST IN: Save the Ivy House has just received an offer of funding from the Architectural Heritage Fund. The plan is to buy the Ivy House and run it as a cooperative pub and community hub. Keep informed on twitter and @Save_Ivy_House and at the Save the Ivy House website.

Tonight’s guests are the brilliant Brian Damage and Krysstal, famous musicians I’ve known for years. Nunheader Ed Hammond was scheduled but he’s coming in next week. Instead we have Renata Hamvas, Nunhead Heights Southwark Council councilor talking about the trains! And maybe the cemeteries and parking and bicycles…

With the Dulwich Ukulele Club, our house band, and a new song for Christmas! Lisa Moyle is our lovely co-host, and Chris Dixon, our Man. Possibly Claudio on the desk. Who knows?

LISTEN!

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed 

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio 

Go to our facebook page! Nunhead American Radio.

Shows restart 8 January 2012: See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow 

Nunhead Nudist Loses Turner Prize. This, and other News Of Nunhead 3 Dec 2012

3 Dec

9 PM Monday 3 December 2012 Increasingly in Demand Nunhead Heights.

Nunhead, Nunhead. At least the place isn’t called Bellenden, as in bell end. Or Dulwich, as in dull. or Peckham as is – yuck, Peckham. And no one likes Brockley, as in broccoli (except me). PS Those are neighboring areas.

Listen tonight to Nunhead American Radio, Monday evening at 10:30PM. On www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London.

The most viewed map of London has had an empty space where Nunhead is. Peckham Rye is being added to the tube map, which is an slight improvement.

New trains starting next week now provide direct service to Clapham Junction in the West and Canary Wharf in the East for people in Lower Nunhead but make it harder to reach Victoria and London Bridge.

The sister community of Bellenden is promoting a campaign to restore the South London Line after London Bridge is rebuilt. See weblink above.

Black dog with white patches, slightly bigger and similar looking to a Jack Russell terrier, has free run of Nunhead Heights, the increasingly in-demand area of London. Tell the Southeast Central Forum what you know about the dog or the owner. 

Goats’ Cheese Fondue, Marinated Artichoke & Beetroot Focaccia at Frog on The Green, Nunhead – has been rated the best sandwich in Nunhead according to the London Review of Sandwiches.

Congratulations to our friend John Gionleka, a guest of Nunhead American Radio and go his restaurant! It is delicious.

Our scheduled guests this week are comic musician Christian Steele who shares a similar situation, child and wife-wise, as I do. Speaking out for the Ivy House is Hugo Simms and @Save_Ivy_House campaign (on twitter) and lovely French photographer Elisabeth Blanchet talking about her photographs of World War Two-era prefabricated housing in Nunhead.

This Just In: Nunhead nudist artist Spartacus Chetwynd has not won the Turner Prize. Nunhead is safe from the star-chasers who would have come to Nunhead to gawk at our Turner Prize-winning Nunhead nudist-artists. 

Lisa Moyle is back. Enjoy! And Chris Dixon!

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed 

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio 

 See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow 

 

 

Nunhead gives thanks for Lewis Schaffer. News of 25 November 2012.

26 Nov

9 PM Monday 25 November 2012 Increasingly in Demand Nunhead Heights.

Nunhead, Nunhead. No matter how many trains Transport for London adds or removes from Nunhead Station, Peckham Rye, Honor Oak Park, or Queen’s Road Peckham stations, it will still take an hour to get anywhere from the increasingly in demand Nunhead Heights.

Listen tonight, Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London to Nunhead American Radio. 

East London Lines begin service at Peckham Rye and Queens Road Peckham on December 9th. The London Bridge to Victoria rail loop is being discontinued and trains will go directly to Clapham Junction.

If  I got gigs again in the Clapham Junction area then this would be amazing but I don’t. 

The Save the Ivy House Campaign – @Save_Ivy_House – is still waiting to know what is going on with the Ivy House, the very first pub saved under new legislation protecting ‘Community Assets’. As I have noted before, five or six times, only in Nunhead would a pub be a community asset.

We only know the owner is proper angry, is thinking of suing Southwark Council and won’t let the local people into the pub to survey it. Whoever screams loudest will win this one. 

Last week on Nunhead American Radio, all Nunhead gave thanks to Lewis Schaffer. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIY3FERHK5s

The Cheltenham Café, the worker’s café of choice in the increasingly in demand Nunhead Heights, now has evening takeaway. Cypriot kebabs and grills and a free bottle of wine for orders over £25. Why can’t British cafes stay open for dinner out like in the US of A? Call 02077322459 to get your free bottle of wine. Seriously: Why can’t there be diner-type restaurants in the UK?

In the debate over what to do about the Elephant and Castle Roundabout of Death, this was said:

“We need to move away from 1970s design, where pedestrians are supposed to be somewhere and vehicles get to enjoy super highways where they can go as fast as they like.”

Who said those wise words?

The Southwark Council Cabinet Member for Transport, Environment, and Recycling.

I will mention that if the Council tries to remove on-street parking on the Heights.

Today, Nunhead American Radio is the 45th entry in a Google search for “Nunhead”. It was 672th during a check last year. Moving on up!

Happy Birthday to Nunhead American Radio’s Lisa Moyle’s other husband, David Moyle. He is 39! Actually, I don’t know his age and don’t care. Where is Lisa? That is what matters.

Our special guest couldn’t make it tonight. Save the Ivy House @Save_Ivy_House are coming in next week.

Instead we have personal favourites: Comic Near Nunheader Charmian Hughes and my older brother Randy Klein, New York Nunhead American Artist. He is sitting in for Lisa Moyle. Enjoy!

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed 

 Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio 

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow 

Obama Gains Advantage in Earliest Vote – Nunhead UK

6 Nov

NUNHEAD AMERICAN RADIO with LEWIS SCHAFFER
Nunhead, United Kingdom

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

OBAMA GAINS FIRST ADVANTAGE IN EARLIEST VOTE

Nunhead, November 5th, 2012 — Nunhead, a haven for Americans in Britain has conducted the first poll for the United States Presidential Election. The winner is…

Nunhead is the first place to declare the results of its Presidential Election vote – even earlier than New Hampshire’s Dixville Notch.

In a poll of all known Americans living in Nunhead – ten in total – Barack Hussein Obama, the President of the United States, gained seven votes to only one for Governor Mitt Romney. One resident refused to make a preference and another did not vote.

Nunhead is an inner-city suburb of London five miles from Big Ben and has a sizable American population. It is estimated that one out of every thousand residents is an American.

The results were counted on New York comedian Lewis Schaffer’s weekly radio program on Resonance FM: Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer.

‘Nunhead Americans aren’t like regular Americans’ offered host Lewis Schaffer. ‘100% of Nunhead Americans have passports against only 18% of all Americans.’

Mr. Schaffer, who cast the only vote for Mitt Romney noted ‘These people [Nunhead Americans] are very liberal and probably deep down America-haters. Why else would you leave the Greatest Country in the World?’

Dixville Notch, which has a funny name as does Nunhead, announces their result just after Midnight on Tuesday morning. Nunhead’s announcement was made at 5:55PM Eastern Standard Time or 10:55PM GMT on Monday.

For more information,
Contact: James Gold at 07886504221

@lewisschaffer – twitter

Listen to Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com/listen and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts on itunes at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

NUNHEAD AMERICAN RADIO, RESONANCE FM, LONDON

Nunhead Casts First US Presidential Election Votes – Monday 5th November 2012

5 Nov

9 PM Monday 5 November 2012 Nunhead Heights

FOR NUNHEAD ELECTION RESULTS CLICK HERE.

Nunhead, Nunhead, a haven for the American in Britain – where one out of every fifteen hundred residents is an American. Americans here are never called ‘expats’ as we are never ‘ex-patriotic’

Listen live tonight at 10:30PM UK and 5:30PM NYC Time on 104.4FM London and streaming at http://www.resonancefm.com/listen

Nunhead is the first place to declare the results of its Presidential Election vote – even before New Hampshire’s Dixville Notch!

Announcement to be made at 5:58PM Eastern Standard Time – 10:58PM GMT on Nunhead American Radio

Your tally sheet

Registered Nunhead Americans:

Ananda* –
Carolyn –
Heather* –
Jeff K –
Jeremiah –
Jeremy –
Lewis –
Matt+ –
Randy –
Rebecca –

*Borderline but accepted, + Missing.

Honorary Nunhead Borders – To be counted in case of a tie.

Chuquai –
Edori –
Jeff M –
Jim E –
Lisa M –
Robin S –

English People We Love – English people cannot vote in American elections and should stop thinking they have a say in American affairs!

Chris –
Leanne –
Richard –
Anna –
Peter –

Other News of Nunhead:

The historic pub the Ivy House became the first building in the UK saved under the new “Localism Act.” The venue was home to many pre-punk rock bands, punk rock bands, post-punk rock bands, proto-punk rock bands, and nothing-to-do-with-punk rock bands.

Buildings listed under the Act cannot be sold without giving community groups the right to bid for them. Only in Britain would a pub built in the 1930s be considered a ‘community asset’.

Nunhead made the national television news this weekend, or at least the BBC, when a rededication ceremony was held at Nunhead Cemetery. The dead from World War One [1914-1918] were reburied or re-something, I am not sure. The woods above their resting places were cleared, a new monument places, and birch trees planted in the deforested grounds where foxes once scampered and finches once nested. A win-win for the forgotten dead.

From Friday 16th November, Baby Yoga classes will be at The Old Nun’s Head Pub, Nunhead Green.

“Baby Yoga is massage strokes (fully clothed), lots of songs & rhymes coordinated with movements, soft stretching & relaxation. Movement positions include laying, seated, standing and lifts.”

Also exhibited will be drooling, crying, pooing, napping, and more crying, and general disinterest.

Our special guest couldn’t make it today.

George Lucas is too busy giving away all of the money he made from selling his Star Wars films to Disney to show up at our studios. Making all of us mere earthlings feel inadequate.

Instead, we have the lovely Tania Edwards, a pure English comic; Robin Schacht, a pure American Washingonian and ex of Nunhead, and I am mean the real thing, not some interloper; and finally, possibly Jeff Kuntz, the Missourian Nunhead American.

My Co-Host is Lisa Moyle. Chris Dixon is working the desk. The House Band is the Dulwich Ukulele Club lead by Richard Guard with Anna Crockatt and Peter Hudson.

Enjoy.

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com/listen and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at
bit.ly/londonfreeshow

iPhones and umbrellas. It’s not stealing if you find one.

27 Oct

12:18 AM Saturday 27 October 2012 Nunhead Heights

I have just lost my phone.

Good, proper, lost. It is either one or two places and they are not there. I’ve gone back and looked. If someone returns it I will give them £50. Or should that be £100? That is the bargaining. Or is that the denial because the phone isn’t coming back. How is the finder of my phone supposed to know where to return it?

I should have put my phone number or email address on the back. Too late.

The five stage of grief by Kubler-Ross. Or are there six? That was two of them. Bargaining and denial.

I have just called O2 to put a block on the phone. That is a sign of acceptance that the phone is not coming back and is probably in the hands of evil-doers calling Egypt or Pakistan or Russia.

Maybe I should look again in the rucksack which I have looked through twice? Just checked. Now three times. Not there.

Maybe I gave to my son when I was transferring my things from my rucksack? He hasn’t brought it over and he didn’t answer the phone when my friend Jane called. And why would he have taken it without telling me? He would have given me that knowing, naughty, giving-away-the-secret smile he is famous for.

God, this is an empty feeling.

The feeling of loss is weighing on my chest. This tragedy and the money I had stolen from my luggage in Edinburgh this summer. And the other ‘lost’ phone I had nicked about six years ago. And that I let my car engine block freeze up. Plonker.

The Stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. Kubler-Ross left out the big one: bankruptcy.

This failure is going to cost me a fortune of wasted British Pounds. I have to get an iphone. I am an iphone person. I am the slightly more pretentious version of the council house tenant who has Sky TV. I have to get an iphone.

And they don’t call it ‘Pounds Sterling’ anymore. Why is that? When did that happen? Why am I thinking about that at this time?

My mind is all questions.

Maybe it is where I got into the car? I was holding it in my hand and when I went into Jane’s car for her to give my son Carnegie and me a lift back from Forest Hill. I didn’t check that side of the street. Should I bicycle back there in the rain and cold and dark? She did call the phone and I would have heard it ring had it from across the street. Wouldn’t I?

Why didn’t I hook up that app – I had that app – the Find-My-Iphone app? Too difficult to understand and to keep on and I have heard the police do nothing if you tell them you have found it’s location.

Why wasn’t I paying attention to my phone!?

Two people I know had found iPhones and didn’t try to find the owners.

I told them both it wasn’t right for them to keep them but I didn’t do more than that. I should have taken a strong stance! I was staring at MY iPhone in their hands. What goes around comes around and all that.

I checked where I got out of the car, where Jane dropped us off. I move aside the leaves. Nothing.

In a flash I thought: Maybe I left it on the counter of the news agents when I bought the newspapers – the Telegraph and ‘ I ‘. Don’t judge me, Britain. I picked up the Guardian yesterday and the day before that the Times. I refused to be judged by the newspapers I read.

I asked the weak-looking shopkeeper:

Have you found a phone just now? And the clerk’s reply was ‘I don’t think so’.

‘Don’t think so’!?

Wouldn’t you know if you just, within twenty minutes, found a phone? Even if it were the cheapest phone I think you’d remember. And mine was an iPhone 4S. I didn’t say this.

What can I do? Jump behind the counter and search the house that lays behind the shop? I may be wrong. Forgive me if I am wrong.

Twenty minutes later I’m resigned.

‘I’ll get a new phone tomorrow.’ I tell myself.

Then I panic again. I must change my passwords! I swing into action. I’ve changed my passwords. But I remember the stand-up shows I’ve ‘taped’ or whatever they call it. Damn Apple for making it almost impossible to download ‘voice notes’ or whatever they call it. Damn you arrogant Apple! I’ve lost a lot. But it is just me. And I am no Lenny Bruce and comedy gold.

I speak to my flatmate who has just come in. Coincidentally, he informs me, his phone is broken.

I don’t care! I feel guilty I’m not sympathetic to him in his moment of need.

Fidel is up on all things current. He works in the dole office and sees life on the ground floor and below. And he’s a Southwark boy.

‘Do you have insurance?’

No, of course not. It is £10 a month or £240 a year and who pays half of the cost of something in insurance? Would you pay £15,000 insurance over two years for a £30,000 car?

I have another flash: I will put up posters on trees offering a reward for the phone.

He laughs, again.

Should I make a stink with the newsagents? They have it. I am almost sure of it.

‘Let it go. That is how so and so [mentions someone we both know] got his iphone. So and so had lost his Samsung phone and then he found an iPhone and that’s how it works.’

Indiana comic Jim Gaffigan entered my mind. I remember a comedy bit he did 20 years ago, before he was famous and rich. How it is okay to not to search for the owners of lost umbrellas. Umbrellas are just passed around the universe. It was funny.

I ask my flatmate, Fidel:

‘Could an £500 iphone with a person’s work, all their contacts and apps and music, be treated the same as a £3 (three pound) umbrella?’

He smiled.

Yes, lost phones are reunited with their owners in Britain. I left my phone in the dressing room at the Edinburgh Fringe last August and it was returned to me. And misplaced phones are probably returned every day in South London and Nunhead, too.

But it is possible that an lost iPhone now belongs to the universe.

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

SO IT GOES - John Fleming's blog

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

SO IT GOES - John Fleming's blog

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic