Potty train your tiny baby and save 100s of pounds and years of heartache and pain.

20 Oct

8:00 AM Saturday 20th October 2012 Nunhead Heights

When I mentioned infant potty training [USA: infant toilet training] in my post of 22 March 2012 ‘Potty training a three month old baby is the least sexy thing a man do’ I received over 3000 emails, texts, and calls asking me how it’s done. I was overwhelmed.

Actually, I got no feedback at all.

Maybe no one believes it can be done. Or that everyone has heard of it and I am just restating the obvious. Or that people don’t want to know. Or that I am a man and what do I know. Or maybe people know how mental I am regarding baby stuff. But here goes again, and then I will let it go.

How to Potty Train a Baby

1. Get a baby.

My baby (and by ‘my baby’ I mean the baby I borrowed from the mother) was three months old but who knows how young a baby you can do this with. It may work on even younger babies. It probably won’t work on babies much older than eight or nine months old.

2. Be a stay at home parent.

You’ll need to be with your baby all day or have someone else who wants to learn the technique to help. Nappies (diapers) must have been invented so mothers could leave their children with untrained, low paid strangers while they went to work for only slightly more money than they paid the childminders. 

3. Wake your baby.

First thing in the morning, wake your baby up a couple of minutes before he or she normally wakes.

Holding his legs together, quickly take him to the bathroom.
Take off his nappy, and hold him over the toilet in a position approximating sitting.
He should pee. Then wait half a minute and he may poo.
Put on a clean nappy – one with Velcro so you can reuse it if possible.

4. Feed your baby while keeping his legs closed. Do not put the baby down.

Immediately after feeding, take the baby to the toilet again and hold him over the bowl. Wait a few more seconds to see if he wants to poo.
Put on a clean nappy, or reuse the old nappy if he hasn’t soiled it.

5. Go about your day.

Put the baby down for a nap. Wake the baby wake up a bit earlier than he normally wakes and take him to the toilet.
Remove his nappy, and hold him over the bowl.

Put on his nappy.

4, again. Feed him while holding his legs together. Do not put down.

After feeding take him to the bowl.
Hold over toilet.
Put on his nappy.

Proceed like this for two to four days.

After he is ‘trained’, take him to the loo only when he wakes, after you feed him and before he goes to sleep.

The End!

Congratulations, you have successfully ‘trained’ a baby to pee and poo only when his privates are exposed to the air and over the toilet bowl.

Congratulations, you have saved hundreds or thousands of pounds or dollars per year per baby. And you’ve saved yourself from the drudgery of buying and carrying nappies and nappy wipes.

Congratulations: You’ve avoided the heartache and pain that comes from trying teach a two-year-old not to poo in his pants.

I removed a photo of human waste in a diaper. I couldn’t look at it and didn’t think you would, either. 

Congratulations, your hands aren’t covered in baby poo.

Congratulations, your baby isn’t walking around in a sackfuls of pee and poo.

And Congratulations, you are not polluting the water by washing cloth nappies or filling up landfills with used nappies.

That is how you potty train a baby. Simples, as the kids today say.

Tell me what you think.

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

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4 Responses to “Potty train your tiny baby and save 100s of pounds and years of heartache and pain.”

  1. Alex Nino October 20, 2012 at 1:55 am #

    Wish I’d seen this 5 years ago, my house could have smelt a whole lot less unpleasant!

  2. Andy October 20, 2012 at 8:44 am #

    How do they train infants in areas where there are no disposable nappies or flushing toilets? Indeed how do they manage without the nappies?

    • Lewis Schaffer November 4, 2012 at 8:53 am #

      they do this, or something similar, I imagine! love to you, Andy.

  3. Eve Ard November 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

    Why don’t you start with yourself?

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Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

John Fleming's blog - SO IT GOES

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

John Fleming's blog - SO IT GOES

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic

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