Tag Archives: court

No man ever used the words “riddled with cellulite”. A defense of Justin Lee Collins.

28 Sep

2 PM Friday 28 September 2012 Nunhead Heights.

According to the Daily Mail, British comic Justin Lee Collins is on trial for “Harrassment (Causing fear of violence)” for calling his girlfriend a “fat dog” and telling her she was “riddled with cellulite”.

If those are the grounds for a felony prosecution and a jail sentence in England and Wales then every man in this country needs to be afraid. And every mother and father of a son, and every child that has a father. Everyone.

I’ve been there.

I once tossed a piece of paper at my wife down the stairs of our house while we were in the midst of divorce. Not that we are friendly now. She’s friendly. I am not friendly.

I don’t remember if the paper hit her.

I remember seeing the penny drop.

She ran to the phone as her lawyer had instructed her. There were a few moments of quiet when I knew exactly what she could do to me and she thought about doing it.

The police would come. They’d politely ask me, the man, to find another place to stay for the night. Or they could have taken me off to jail. And like that I would have been homeless. A restraining order would have been placed on me and I wouldn’t have been allowed within 500 feet of my boys.

Luckily, or intelligently, or reasonably, she put down the phone.

I don’t believe I’ve met Justin Lee Collins in the comedy business, nor do I think I’ve ever seen him on TV. She claims he tried to push her in front of a taxi during a boozy night out with comedian pal Alan Carr. Yet she didn’t go to the police. She kept on going out with him.

But the first time he calls you, his girlfriend, a “fat pig” you are free to walk out that door and not take his diamonds and computers and the free meals and stop hanging out with British “A Listers” such as Alan Carr.

Justin Lee Collins was doing very well before this trial.

He was on TV and starring on the West End. His ex-girlfriend was not famous and probably alone and lonely.

She didn’t have his children to use as a weapon against him. I don’t think she got any of his money and isn’t going to get any.

What else can she do to Justin Lee Collins to punish him for leaving her? To punish him for not loving her. To punish him for not letting her hang out with Alan Carr? To punish him for stopping her from leaving him? Who knows what goes on in the minds of women?

The purpose of a society is to prevent the vindictive from having revenge. It shouldn’t aid a woman scorned by putting a man on trial and possibly sent to jail.

We’ll see how friendly my ex will be if I become rich and famous. Luckily, the chance of that is very, very low. And no man ever used the words “riddled with cellulite” Fat is fat.]

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on http://www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

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I am against gay marriage. Really.

11 May

11:59pm Friday 11 May 2012 Nunhead Height

I am not against gay people doing what they want to do. Freedom, and all that, is good. I am a libertarian, often, as I am for freedom and usually freedom is the cheapest option, and libertarianism annoys people on the Left and on the Right and I am nothing if not annoying.

But gay marriage is like anything free: It has a cost. Like “free” lunches, free healthcare, free education, free sex and even Free Nelson Mandela – someone has to pay for it. Even my show at the Source Below every Tuesday and Wednesday “Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous” is not “free”. I stand by the door and make you give me something, even if it’s an explanation as to why you sat through two hours and don’t put even one billion dollars Zimbabwean in my bucket.

What the proponents of gay marriage are asking is that the state – the state – as in the people who take our tax money and enforce our laws and contracts – okay, not much of my tax money – proponents of gay marriage are asking The State to grant a license to people who previously had relationships all on their very own without state intervention. Then they want the state to enforce that license or contract if things go wrong, which they almost inevitably do.

Yes, marriage is all well and good, but it goes wrong, frequently, and since the good people of the nations of America and England refuse to enforce the marriage contract for people who already are married – the men and women in heterosexual marriages –  marriage is not worth the hard drive it is encoded on.

Does the state enforce ‘for better and for worse’ and ‘til death do us part.’ Does it say to straight people: “Make it work. You have no choice.”? No. The state lets married couples get divorced whenever one person wants it without even an explanation needed.

So you split up, you gay lovers. You enter the divorce courts, forced mediation, counselling, the mess that comes from an extra mothers and fathers in custody battles, women’s shelters, and council flats for the dispossessed. Who is going to pay for all that? Do you think your £29.50 marriage license is going to cover all that? No, it will come out of MY tax dollar. And I don’t want to pay.

What I think gay people want – if there is such a thing as “a gay person” having seen incredible flexibility in human preferences as to make the term “a gay person” or “straight person” completely ridiculous – Am I gay because of what I did in university or what what goes through my head when I watch Mens Olympic Water Polo?

So, to finish my sentence, what gay people want is a state-sanctioned party – the Wedding – and the piece of paper, which ironically is SO Wizard of Oz. “You want to be married”, the Wizard says “so with the powers invested in me…”

Everyone wants what I call “The Full Eastenders”: The meeting. the sex, the engagement, the fights, the cheating, the reconciliation, The Big Wedding, the marriage, the children, the cheating, the fights, the heartache, the divorce, the custody battles, the reconciliation, and the ending in murder or suicide. Who wants to be told you can’t have the wedding bit?

[The absolutely brilliant Matthew Parris wrote about why he won’t attend weddings, even gay weddings: It is another Saturday ruined.]

Let’s ban heterosexual marriage, too, because it doesn’t mean a friggin’ thing in this country. When your wife wants to divorce you, you wouldn’t believe how fast and unstoppable that procedure is, even if it isn’t even in her best interests,  let alone the children or society’s, whatever society is. You go from Married to Divorced in 35 days. 35 days! The mother is possibly extra crazy from the exhausting hell of giving birth to a baby or two and not in sound mind – not that any woman is completely free from insanity.

The court won’t enforce a straight marriage and it won’t enforce a gay marriage. But you want the wedding, gay people, so go ahead. But don’t expect to get any satisfaction when it goes wrong from the people who gave you that license, or cosigned that contract. And by God, it will go wrong. And don’t expect me to be happy that I have to pay for it.

@lewisschaffer – twitter feed

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer Sometimes test the news items at the Hungry Miller Comedy Club at The Miller by Borough High Street this Monday at 8PM. Fantastic night of comedy with Britain’s top comics and me, briefly. Only £4!

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday: Lewis Schaffer is Free until Famous, The Source Below, 11 Lower John Street, London W1F 9TY. Come on down. Free admission. Or reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

Begging Styles of the Down and Out: London v New York

15 Apr

8 PM Sunday 15 April 2012 Nunhead Heights

Down by the London Bridge there are quite a few beggars. For much of the noughties beggars were hard to find in London – not that you’d want to find one.  I guess it was hard to say that Margaret Thatcher took away your job and you can’t find another when millions of foreigners were streaming into the country and finding work. Luckily, times have changed.

The Wild One – aged 9 – and I went down to the Thames and one of the beggars was a pretty teenage-looking girl who would fit into a CentrePoint Homeless Charity newspaper ad. The one who “for 40p you can give her a safe place to stay at CentrePoint tonight.” Well, she could stay at my house for free. Of course, it wouldn’t be safe but…

My son loves the Thames beaches and so do I. The Thames is the best thing about living in London. During low tide you wonder: Am I going to find an Elizabethan tobacco pipe or a set of horse’s teeth or a dead body?  Calling Sherlock Holmes. And during high tide on the Thames you think: Isn’t London beautiful?

And a lot of London is beautiful. But a lot is surprisingly ugly – at least to me and Madonna. She noted that right next door to a magnificent Georgian mansion is a 1960s state-built housing project filled with the wrong kind of people and their wide-mouthed dogs. I added the bit about those people and their dogs. I don’t think Madonna ever ran into anyone in those buildings or saw their dogs.

You’d be surprised at how many Londoners don’t realize the good in their city and try to obliterate it. See what I wrote about how the council is destroying Nunhead Cemetery.

So we are down by the Thames. I can only do what my boys want to do because their main home is only 300 yards away and if they’re unhappy they just march back to their mom’s. If you are a separated dad never live close to the kids’ mother. Live on another continent: You’ll see them more than I do living on the next street in Nunhead. You’ll get the same accusation I heard today: “You have gone out of your way to distance yourself (from them)” but if you live in Australia it won’t sound nearly so insane.

Did I mention that on the way out of the flat I saw The Wild One on the roof of the building? He climbed 12-feet up to get his football. There is nothing I can do now except pray. Attention seeking and risk taking is what happens when you don’t pay enough attention to children when they are very young. I have photos of me on top of buildings, too.

The CentrePoint girl is all sad-looking. I feel for her. English beggars are different from the New York variety. They just sit there, looking forlorn, not moving, each with an ugly dead-looking dog, laying dead-still. Not at all like the all-singing all-dancing New York-style beggars: “I don’t rob or I don’t do drugs and my apartment caught on fire today and I lost my job because I only have the clothes I am wearing now and the welfare office was closed and I need $12 to go to a shelter, blah blah blah …” New York beggars actually work for their money.

I used to think that the English wouldn’t give to a beggar who showed any energy – any movement would mean they didn’t really need the money – if they could move they could work.

Now I know that it is just bad form to seem to want anything in this country. “I want doesn’t get” is what children are told. Asking for money is just plain rude. A beggar must let the potential giver think he is coming up with the idea of giving that dead-looking man with his dead-looking dog money. And people in England would rather give to a dog than to a person but not to a dog that seems needy. Hence, the catatonic pooch. “I want doesn’t get” relates to pets, too.

The trip to the Thames was a delight. The Wild One didn’t slip onto the rocks and die. We found a dead mobile phone and a bit of pottery. I didn’t get arrested for offering to put the CentrePoint girl up for the night and I’ve picked a spot where I’m going to do my begging. The way I am heading I am going I’ll need to. I just hope I can sit still long enough and can stomach having a dog.

@lewisschaffer

Listen to Lewis Schaffer on the Radio Nunhead American Radio with Lewis Schaffer every Monday evening at 10:30PM on www.resonancefm.com and 104.4fm London. Or listen to the show’s podcasts at bit.ly/NunheadAmericanRadio

See Lewis Schaffer live every Tuesday and Wednesday at the Source Below. Free admission. Reserve at bit.ly/londonfreeshow

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

SO IT GOES - John Fleming's blog

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comedian

SO IT GOES - John Fleming's blog

John Fleming’s blog: human interest, humour, humor, comedy blog featuring eccentricity, performance, movies and occasionally a few tears

Nunhead Nags

A blog about Nunhead regeneration

Lewis Schaffer

Nunhead American Comic